What a difference a year makes.
This time last year, I was spiraling into a very dark space. It would be the first Christmas spent entirely without my eldest son. My 1st born. We made the decision to move across the country knowing we would be without him. We offered him the choice. Stay with us or move in with your Dad. He chose his dad this time. It was a gut wrenching moment - knowing he wouldn't be coming with us on our new journey. It felt like my heart was being carved out of my chest little by little every day. For months. As Christmas eve arrived, I hit the peak of my emotions. I was at my limit. I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel. It was took dark. I was too far gone. My husband came to me by my bedside (I spent a large portion of the evening crying and cocooned myself in our bed) and gave it to me straight. I needed to sort my head out; and fast. I needed to choose - stay in the past, in the darkness OR move forward, stumbling along the way until I can stand up straight enough once again to see the light at the end of this tunnel. He left me there. In the darkness. Alone. On Christmas Eve to think and make the decision. So that's exactly what I did. I thought; and cried. One thing people close to me know about me is once my mind is set - it's set. It is very difficult to push me aside once I've made up my mind. I'm a bull. Through and through. The next morning, Christmas day - I remember waking up and saying to myself - out loud - "get your shit in order, You've got this. You deserve to be here and those that love you deserve to have you here. Stop it. Now get off your ass and MOVE." And move I did. I got out of bed. Apologized to myself, my husband and my children and made it through the day. I haven't stopped making it through the days since then. I made the choice to thrive and work on myself and the shit I've lived through. The traumas I've experienced. I decided to focus on repairing myself and most surprisingly, I found myself doing exactly that through the art of Furniture Refinishing and making blankets. There is something special in being forced to sit in a space, and work with your hands to PRODUCE something. There is a deep satisfaction and appreciation that I achieve every single time I complete a project or a blanket. I MADE THIS. I FINISHED THIS. I brought happiness to myself and others. This feeling is euphoric. To me, it's a drug and I'm an addict. In just 23 days, my eldest son will be here, celebrating Christmas with us. He will be here with us for 9 days. 9 GLORIOUS days. To say I am over the moon excited is the understatement of the century. I cannot wait to hold my boy again. The last 1.5 years of not being able to hold him and squeeze him has been excruciating. He will be here with us celebrating once again with his 2 younger siblings. His 4 year old sister and 2.5 yr old brother. His little brother who now walks and talks. We've all missed out on so much with each other. 9 days will go by in the blink of an eye, I'm sure of it. But this year, it's not darkness. It's nothing BUT light. And I'm 100% here for it. Wishing every one of you who takes the time to read this light and love during our darkest of days. The choice to thrive is always in your hands and heart. Choose wisely. xo Katerina
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